The Dreaded Bio

Since time immemorial, an oddity of human behavior has encouraged purveyors of consumer goods to put a face and a story to their brands. Buyers, it seems, are more apt to transact with sellers with whom they feel some sense of camaraderie and kinship.

Some sellers take this quirk as a call to arms, and they bombard their potential customers with a bizarre tableau of pitiful tales and arrogant assertions in the hopes that something will 'stick' and make money magically rain from the sky.

We'll call these sellers "artists".

Judging from the slew of bungled bios posted in countless online profiles, artists are notoriously bad at branding themselves. They say all the wrong things in all the wrong ways and share pieces of their lives that no one wants to hear about, like a drunk uncle at Easter dinner. 

As a species, artists are grasping attention mongers with little to no self-restraint when it comes to crowing their own praises or tooting their own sad trombones; sometimes managing to accomplish both feats at once. 

(Speaking of which, I think I may have nerve damage and my cat just died, but look at the wondrous creation I have wrought with these masterful hands!)

"Parisian Peonies" by April Moen

See what I mean?

Hard to believe, but we're usually completely clueless when it comes to writing about ourselves in a way that is engaging and not creepy and off-putting to potential buyers. 
That's why most long-timers recommend bios written in the third person, in order to avoid the appearance of prideful self-promotion and the tendency to overshare sensitive (read: 'gross' or 'inappropriate') information.

If you've been at this art selling business a while and have experienced a measure of success, you may have had an actual biography written about you by a highly credentialed and noteworthy individual in the field at some point in time. But if you're like the rest of us, you just have to fake it. To many, that means padding their achievements and accolades to appear much more impressive than they really are.

And that sounds like a game plan to me:

"April Moen's illustrious fine art career began at the tender age of 36 in February of 2014. Long known as "the best artist in the family," her emergence into the cutthroat world of online print sales was met with a huge amount of fanfare and nearly one dozen likes on Facebook! 

Though her style is completely unique and unlike anything that has ever been seen before or will ever be seen again, and her technique flawless to the point of transcending the mortal realm, her work has been compared to that of "that one guy that did flowers and cottages and stuff" by someone who may or may not have ever seen artwork done by anyone other than Thomas Kincaid.

April's awards include a Certificate of Participation in a mandatory 4th grade science fair and the much coveted  "Cutest Smile for the Boys" award from her 6th grade teacher, Mrs. Smith. She credits her public school education for her success since she was never taught the meaning of the word "quit", along with a litany of other very common words and phrases that would probably not have done her any good either.

April currently lives with her husband, son, and dog in a van down by the river."

Yep. Pretty sure I nailed it.

Make it rain, people.